But Now That You Are Gone

I read all 36 (love)letters Denise Menasce wrote to Paddy Leigh Fermor, that are stored at the N.L.S. (here), and reconstructed their sequence:

Denise is 24 years old in October 1944. A picture from her the year before:

 26/10 [1944] / (18 hrs after you left)

"Mon chou cheri – my first letter to / you; it is funny, but I feel rather / shy. I would like it to be, amusing, / intelligent, and affectionate, so as to / make you miss me a little, but I / am afraid it will be neither for / I am in bed, with a cold, a / Temperature, a – , and an awful / “handra”. Paddy darling, my / first day without you has been / “renchonnage” you have been an / absolute sweetie to me, and given / me all the affection, the warmth, / the friendship, and the intellectual / stimulus I needed so badly. / Bless you Paddy darling, for / that, I shall always be grateful.”

28/10 [1944]

“(…) My sweet / darling Paddy, this month has been absolute heaven for me, and / all I hope is that I gave you / half as much happiness as you gave me.”

29/10 [1944]

Pregnant (“that baby”) and yet tomorrow morning I am going to see a doctor for an abortion (this exact word is not mentioned; “and quite realize that this is normal and necessary”).

Halfway December 1944

Paddy came back from Crete and met Denise but at the same time kept distance. It hurted her. Shortly after Christmas 1944 Paddy met Joan Rainer [read: Rayner]. Both were immediately attracted to one another. They could not keep their hands off one another. When Denise found out she sent him a typed letter (no date): “Paddy, you little double-crosser, trying to kill two birds with one stone!”

At the end of January 1945 Paddy went back to England and Denise waved him off in Port Said. A few days later she wrote the next letter:

 6/2/[19]45

“My beloved darling Paddy. It feels rather odd / writing a letter I won’t be able to hand over, a letter / which is not full of bitter reproaches, or intense love making. / This, darling, is meant to bring to you all the warmth, affection and longing, I feel [for] you and to say thank [you] / and bless you for being your adorable self. I shan’t repeat / myself and tell you how sorry I am for having been so very / often, a petty boring posessive little bitch, all I can say is / I wish I were’nt, but that is the sort of thing one cannot / help. But now that you are gone, I realize how unfair / it is to ask you to be anything but yourself – you do / radiate so much happiness, and sweetness, that nobody will / ever be able to resist your charm – I certainly never will / As for your ever being a pig, you made up / for it in such a complete overwhelming way, and when / you did hold me, very tight in your arms, I shut my / eyes and felt a current of warmth and utter happiness, which / is worth a million times any sadness or gloom I might have felt. / Darlingest, when this will reach you, you will be surrounded / by a new atmoshere, masses of old friends, Xan, Billy etc. / but, as you read it. Try, for a moment to think of your imp[lishly], with a bit of tenderness and affection, and if ever / you feel lonely, depressed, or, as you always think – wasting – / remember there is one person anyway who loves you, / as you are, and with all her heart.”

P.S. 'Renchonnage' is French for 'refitting'.

P.P.S. Source picture: Cooper, 'Patrick Leigh Fermor. An Adventure' (2012), pictures between page 112-113.

P.P.P.S. I showed a letter from Denise before in post 'Always Seem To Be' (11-2021).